?

My head is about as clear as a puddle of mud right now. I can't seem to think. So I thought maybe I'd write to clear up my mind. excuse my freewriting.

I love Lisa Penn. I love my family, and I love my friends. These things I know. For the past 6 months everything I love is 800 miles away. I think that is a problem. It's a problem I didn't anticipate. However it's very real, and it has to be fixed. Either I have to stop loving what/who I love, or I have to get close to them. This isn't working. This isn't right, or even healthy.

Something I have noticed: In the past two weeks I have had three people call me a masochist. Thinking about it. I guess they are right. Where it came from I can only speculate. I have so much on my mind, my spirit is so heavy. Extreme physical exertion takes my mind off of how much my overall situation sucks, and places it on how much the pain makes me want to quit, and makes me determined to overcome. To take the next leap, to do those 30 extra sit ups.

I just want to be with Lisa. Nothing else really matters. Just getting back to the base of good friends and family where I can be near Lisa should help though.

The urge to quit and walk out of here is strong. However, I want to do so with some justifiable reasons. So I'll put what I cam think of down here. Maybe I'll mix in why I want to be a firefighter. Ok, first I am 21 years old and bored out of my mind. I get an average of 1 call per week. This is not enough to keep my skills sharp. I am an EMT and I am not doing EMT work. break. I need to start a career as a firefighter. Firefighting is what I want for a career. break. When I accepted this job I had no Lisa Penn, and I had zero earthly chance of getting her. God intervened and I have her now. I need to be with her. break. ok so maybe the following aren't good reasons but they are real reasons. I don't fit in down here one bit. I am slowly losing it. being down makes me crazy. Brandy Ivy cannot be worked with. Period. break. I don't make enough money to reasonably think about taking a very special girl's hand in marriage.


Well Thanks for reading if you did. It helped. I have less of a desire to smash my head against my cedar wardrobe now. :) cheers.



-Andy